My Grief with Beyoncé

It's grief not beef...

Me at my first Beyoncé concert. Renaissance was a time!

Here I am, one song into Beyoncé's new album, shedding gut punching tears.

The intro caught my attention and sparked excitement for the rest of the album. My grandmother adored country music. I fondly recall performing line dances for her at nine, a sweet memory. Country music has always held a distant charm with memories of grandma for me, even if I never fully immersed myself in the genre.

As the first song from Beyoncé’s new album played, I thought, "Let me call Mom and ask her about Grandma’s favorite country so..."

My grandma at her retirement party. She loved royal blue.

Then it hit me. I hadn’t done this since the early days following my mom's passing. Picking up the phone to call her, then quickly realizing no matter how many times I call, she won’t be there to physically answer. Cue my immediate tears. What even made me think I could make that call? So here I am now, listening to this beautiful album for the first time, deep in thought about the lost of my grandmother and mother.

My grandma, aunt, mommy, and papa at my her wedding.

Beyoncé, what have you done! No actually, thank you, Beyoncé. It's been over a month since I last cried deep grief tears, and I felt it was overdue. I'm sad, but today I found immediate peace in these grief-filled moments connected to Beyoncé’s music.

Now I’m sitting here going down a country music rabbit hole of other Black artists. And I’m here for it.

I once shared on Instagram that the last text message from my mom was a video of Beyoncé's mother dancing to her daughter's song “You Can’t Touch My Soul.” I was struggling at work, and my mom knew just how to lift my spirits. Little did I know this would be our last text message exchange.

The last text I got from mommy.

Less than a year after her passing, God brought two incredible women into my life who blessed me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. When Beyoncé performed in Seattle, I texted them on the morning of the concert, playfully suggesting we get tickets on the day, with no outfit plans - just going for it. They agreed and next thing we know we’re out shopping, and one of them treated us other two to the tickets. That night became a cherished memory in one of the earlier points of our friendship. I’m blessed to call them two of my closest friends today.

Having a blast with my good friends Joie and Ketlyne.

Now, I’m upstairs in our deck room, practicing therapy tools. Writing it out, countering sadness with happy memories. And look at me, it’s working. My mother struggled with her mother’s death up until her own passing. While I’ll always carry that struggle, I feel it's my calling to talk about grief openly, to normalize an emotion we all experience but often keep queit. Grief can be lonely, and I'm on a mission to change that.

My view through our window-shaded deck room this morning.

Thank you for your continued support as I weave the ever-present hum of grief into the tapestry of the incredible things God has planned for me, and all that He has already done.

In the words of my sweet sis Ketlyne, “We don't go around feelings, we go through them.”

Speaking of what he’s already done…

Before hitting the stage at the Hilton Motif in Seattle.

Last Sunday I was invited to speak at the 3rd Annual Women’s EmpowHERment event by @bossyqueenspodcast. I had a chance to tell my grief story and how I’m spending these days Revitalizing My Vibe. I am forever grateful for this opportunity.

Here are five key takeaways I shared with attendees, shared from my most recent Instagram post:

💜 If you have a gift, how dare you NOT put it out to the world? It’s our duty, and now is your time.
💜 Grief can be your greatest teacher if you allow it. Creating the space to be vulnerable and understanding it’s a lifetime journey can make those hard hitting days a little softer.
💜 If you find yourself comparing your journey/skill/gift to someone else’s say 1) I am not better than anyone and no one is better than me - this can help create immediate emotional balance and 2) celebrate the wins of the people you are comparing yourself to. Your time will come exactly when it’s supposed to.
💜 Tears of grief are ok, it’s unexpressed emotion (often love that went unsaid) that your body needs to get out
💜 Brain dump - set aside time each week to get everything out on a piece of paper. I’m telling you it’s life changing.

Recap from my speaking engagement 💜

Feel free to share below how you’ve been feeling (not only grief) or your fav Beyonce song. I’d love to hear from you and stay tuned for my Q1 recap.

In gratitude,

Tanise